This is quite weird for me. I’m not the personal who goes around talking about what’s going on in my head, my life, let alone post about them. My FB page is nothing but sharing other’s stuff. My Twitter is posting about my site, my friends, uplifting stuff, etc. But here I am, sitting in front of my laptop, typing away. When you’re the type of person like me, you keep things to yourself, try to make everyone around you happy, it….it takes a toll on you. And after a while, it’s got to come out. For better or worse.
For the last few weeks, it has literally been a strain to get out of bed, yet so hard to sleep. The constant thoughts of how I’m failing at life, for my kids and myself, plaguing every second.
I shouldn’t be here. I really shouldn’t. How things ended up like this, well I know it’s stupid choices. I can’t even try to defend myself and say well it wasn’t me, because in a way it was. I allowed it, I continued to allow it, I didn’t really stand up and say enough is enough, I didn’t walk away.
This has nothing to do with abuse. This is allowing someone control of, now that I think about it, everything. Allowing them to put you in terrible situations that are almost impossible to get out of. And when you do, you end up in a similar position as mine. And as hard as you try, as hard as you work, you seem stuck, like in quicksand. It’s a terrifying feeling. When you have kids, it makes it that much worse.
I’ve been handling business on the outside though. Making things work. Setting things up to be out of this confidence destroying circumstance. I’m so close, I can almost touch it. My biggest problem is my brain. So much has happened, so much just keeps happening, my brain just can’t deal anymore. I sit, daily, on the verge of tears, desperately trying not to have panic attacks. Trying to focus on all the good that is in my life. It’s just not working as well anymore.
And if I hear, “well, where’s the father?”, one more time. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I was married and he left. Disappeared, gone. I had to file for divorce, place ads, the whole 9 yards because he was nowhere to be found. I eventually found out, he remarried and had a new family. Good for him. But don’t pass judgement on me for what he chose to do.
I also just love, “you should have got an education”. I’m sorry is a college degree not good enough? I mean damn, ask first before assuming.
I have done everything I was supposed to do, life is just fucking hard sometimes.
***Ramblings of someone who just doesn’t even know what’s going on anymore***